crawl

There are many sleeping drafts lying in the post archive of my blog. You'd be surprised how more frequently this blog would have been updated if all the drafts were actually finished. This blog is a symptom of my life. It's fractured, unfinished, unsatisfying, without a style of its own, without any consistency, and going nowhere. It's filled with failed attempts. I repeatedly tell myself that it's good that I am still reaching out to my dreams, but no real progress has been made so far. I am disappointed, frustrated and confused. Concentration is at large. Direction is at large.

I work for a boss who spends hours chitchatting. She likes coming to my desk to check on my work and hurry me on my work after chitchatting. She likes to make me feel bad if I am behind the schedule she sets for me. I feel fortunate for having a job. So have I been told to feel so, all the time. This job takes the bulk of my awake time. I'll be doing this job for many many more days, yet I don't know if this will be worth anything.

I stay in a country where I have no freedom, legally and financially. Freedom has always been the most important to me. In lack of freedom, I am quiet and dead. In most people's opinion, I am doing well. I have a job and I have successfully obtained a working visa. There were cheerful moments for such accomplishments, but they didn't last very long.

I watched the first episode of Ken Burns' new documentary on national parks yesterday. John Muir was a significant figure in the history of national parks, especially the Yosemite. When he was 52, he was home with his wife and daughters, away from the nature he loved. He was tied to the everyday chores, and he was dying. His wife sent him back to the wilderness because she knew that's where his life belongs.

Some people need periodical success to motivate their lives, like making a million dollars or getting a promotion. I need to be with the people I appreciate, doing the things I love.

Cai Kangyong said, sometimes in life we need to crawl to progress, if crawling is the only way to progress, then crawl we shall.
Jennifer said to me, you patience will pay off some day.

I started watching films seriously when I was in highschool; I started studying French when I was in college; the study of both came to their climax at OSU graduate school. After school, I no longer have an environment to continue a systematic and intensive study, but I refuse to let them die. This past saturday, I was told that my dream might never come true. I cried, not because I was mad at the person who said this to me, but because I realized, what he said might be true. For the first time in years my dream was shaken.

I had been here before, but I had believed in myself firmly and waited patiently and optimistically. My spirit was so young and blind at the time that I didn't even have an alternative plan. Today I have too much to lose. I can only crawl, but I'll try to keep myself blind, so that I can still crawl, as if I am crawling towards a goal.