crawl

There are many sleeping drafts lying in the post archive of my blog. You'd be surprised how more frequently this blog would have been updated if all the drafts were actually finished. This blog is a symptom of my life. It's fractured, unfinished, unsatisfying, without a style of its own, without any consistency, and going nowhere. It's filled with failed attempts. I repeatedly tell myself that it's good that I am still reaching out to my dreams, but no real progress has been made so far. I am disappointed, frustrated and confused. Concentration is at large. Direction is at large.

I work for a boss who spends hours chitchatting. She likes coming to my desk to check on my work and hurry me on my work after chitchatting. She likes to make me feel bad if I am behind the schedule she sets for me. I feel fortunate for having a job. So have I been told to feel so, all the time. This job takes the bulk of my awake time. I'll be doing this job for many many more days, yet I don't know if this will be worth anything.

I stay in a country where I have no freedom, legally and financially. Freedom has always been the most important to me. In lack of freedom, I am quiet and dead. In most people's opinion, I am doing well. I have a job and I have successfully obtained a working visa. There were cheerful moments for such accomplishments, but they didn't last very long.

I watched the first episode of Ken Burns' new documentary on national parks yesterday. John Muir was a significant figure in the history of national parks, especially the Yosemite. When he was 52, he was home with his wife and daughters, away from the nature he loved. He was tied to the everyday chores, and he was dying. His wife sent him back to the wilderness because she knew that's where his life belongs.

Some people need periodical success to motivate their lives, like making a million dollars or getting a promotion. I need to be with the people I appreciate, doing the things I love.

Cai Kangyong said, sometimes in life we need to crawl to progress, if crawling is the only way to progress, then crawl we shall.
Jennifer said to me, you patience will pay off some day.

I started watching films seriously when I was in highschool; I started studying French when I was in college; the study of both came to their climax at OSU graduate school. After school, I no longer have an environment to continue a systematic and intensive study, but I refuse to let them die. This past saturday, I was told that my dream might never come true. I cried, not because I was mad at the person who said this to me, but because I realized, what he said might be true. For the first time in years my dream was shaken.

I had been here before, but I had believed in myself firmly and waited patiently and optimistically. My spirit was so young and blind at the time that I didn't even have an alternative plan. Today I have too much to lose. I can only crawl, but I'll try to keep myself blind, so that I can still crawl, as if I am crawling towards a goal.

a chocolate house, in this economy

Recently I discovered David Lebovitz's blog. David is an American food critic currently living in Paris. I discovered his blog from an airplane magazine article in which he talks about how doing a cooking show is much more difficult than what people would normally imagine. I am no foodie. Food, especially western cuisine, is completely foreign to me. David Lebovitz's writing is informative and witty. He makes everything sound so easy and his pictures make everything look so delicious. I know even though the recipes are just right up there, the caramelized white chocolate ice cream I make will probably taste very different. Yet I am still always heavily tempted.

I find myself reading David lebovitz's blog a lot more often and enthusiastically than some of my favorite film blogs. His blog has practically become a second shelter for this hopeless dreamer(me)'s dreams. Film used to be the one and the only. Unlike those film blogs, David's writing on food, restaurants and everything food related doesn't remind me of any unfulfilled academic ambition of mine, so it is an even warmer shelter. And unlike films, food is usually a lot more delightful. It is too often that a good film contains more reality and emotion than my nerve can handle after a day's work. I know I need to work on my nerve, otherwise I will be losing my chance of becoming a qualified cinephile. However, it is just so much easier to turn to those lovely pictures of chocolates, apricots, fresh sea food...aren't they just as bright as sunshine?

Another reason I like David Lebovitz's blog is that it doesn't show much of what has been defined as "this economy". In this economy, David Lebovitz is still looking for the darkest chocolate, the creamist scoop of ice cream, and the perfect antique café au lait bowls. It is such a comfort to read his blog while for my job as a money-begging chick, all I type everyday is "deficit budget", "reduced funding", etc.

David Lebovitz is not living in a vacancy of reality. On his facebook page, he links all kinds of webpages including many journal articles that tell sad stories of good restaurants closing due to this economy. Maybe it comes down to a matter of selective memory, maybe he doesn't want this economy to ruin the mood of his blog too.

As long as David Lebovitz is not talking about "this economy", I have a place to dream and dream only.